I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
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it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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