I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
