I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
party gras won. party gras always wins.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
