and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
