This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize