when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
