I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
