Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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