I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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