Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
