I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
