I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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