trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
