I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
