Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
