Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sext me about skeletons
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
