remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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