Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
