I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
