i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
