Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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