I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
