I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
