just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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