he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
