And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
