Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
