Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
