I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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