omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
