What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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