Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
there's paper in my vomit.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
