Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
