I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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