Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
