nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I love you. Go after that dick
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
