arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
