I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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