The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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