Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
