I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
