I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
