remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Randomize
