I saw his package. It spoke to me.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged