I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in