I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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