my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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