Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
