i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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