i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
this just has baby written all over it
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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