margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my being single is dangerous.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
