Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
