he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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