I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
