Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
