Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
