dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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