I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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